Carrom ranked second last

 

The Scotland Pastime Commission has ranked Carrom as the second-last most popular pastime in their annual list of top twenty distractions in the country.

In the survey, the SPC adjudged the following for 2024.

1 Snooker
2 Putting a thing up
3.Replying to a thing
4 Magnet Fishing
5 Waving shoes at taxis
6 Cat Circus
7 Muttering to yourself
8 Deleting a thing
9 Knitting
10 Meercatting ar the window when there is shouting outside
11 Saying "Only in Glasgow"
12 Vodka
13 Charity shops
14 Marbles
15 Looking at the moon
16 Being hingin'
17 Sharing a thing
18 Discussing gentrification
19  Carrom
20 Shouting at fruit flies

Top tier sports such as football; golf, rugby and darts have long attracted attention and finance, while our sport has been deemed "a poor man's chess" and, in the words of Ryan Reynolds, "worse than Ludo." The financial gap remains wide and plain. Still, we endure.

Carrom till I die.

Tiocfaidh ár lá

No to anti-doping agency

 

The SCL has long been mired in allegations of doping and the use of intoxicants. 

So, last week, five of The Elders met to discuss and address this issue. Their judgement (in a 4 to 1 majority) was that an anti-doping agency has no place in the world of carrom and would serve only to "send the wrong message."

Bruce Morton headed the inquiry by dint of his experience of having gone out with a nurse and of spending two years in medical school. He was, as known, thrown out of that school because his techniques were deemed "too radical." To that decision, Morton is on record as saying "they lost a pioneer."

The doping accusations against the SCL players contained these:

Stu Thomson: ingested Conjureraprine

Frazer J: Psuedoephedrine and Cialis and Diamente-pumpadrone.

John McManus: Class C and Class B substances while operating a striker.

James Young: mephedrone, standalone, mobilephone snd Gonn-yersel.

Paul McCole: Dignitalis, Goon Goon, Lulu Plus and Tall Blockers.

Lulu Brown: Paint sniffer. Distribution of Tall Blockers

Paul Shep: Ink sniffer. 

 

Jim Muir welcomed the judgement of The Elders, stating. "We await the straight." 

This blog hails the judgement and the unity of the crew. All hail, too, the recent actions of the SCL admins meerkating vs interlopers.  

And all hail The Clash...

Julie's been working for the drug squad

 

 

 

 

The art of the sly

 

It is known that if an opponent fails to claim a forfeit and continues play, that forfeit is then deemed void. This is in the International Carrom Federation rules. It is not incumbent upon you to say anything about that mistake. Keeping your mouth shut while your adversary missed an advantage is, while sly, legitimate. "Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake" Napoleon Bonaparte.

Here, the blog studies some instances of SCL slyness.

Bruce Morton is known to divert attention at his venue by casually saying this before his opponent takes a shot midway through a game: "Hold on - I just want to change that playlist". On re-seating, Morton will often ask who it is to go and persuade the opponent that it is him to go.

The "which hand is it in" trick.  Now discredited and abandoned, this move was favoured by Morton and Stu T who would offer two closed fists to the opponent for that person to guess which hand held the striker and, thus, choose who would break. It was revealed in summer 2023 that often there was no striker in either hand..This was sly to the max: literally cheating before the game began. Subsequently, players have used the "nearest to the back frame" guide for the break choice.

Dosing your opponent with edibles half an hour before a set. Whilst sly, no player has as yet complained to The Elders about this maneuver.

Dick the Queen. A rare distraction, this, but the Summerboard 2023 event famously saw SMC regard his semi-final opponent lining up an easy cover in a tense game and stood up and flashed his dick. The cover was made and the opponent later said it wasn't a big deal. 

Be-bop as a background distraction and head-blister.

Vape smoke. Often used by Jas Young and Paul McCole at the Linen mezzanine, vape smoke can temporarily obscure the line-of-sight of an opponent. Two Linen meets were halted after two players lost their spatial awareness and fell off the mezz.

The phoney phone call sting. Rare, subtle and requiring deep syncopation, this move primes a third party to send a weird unexpected text to your opponent during a game, thus breaking their concentration and conferring a brief advamtage.

All hail the sly.

 

 

 

 

  

 

  

Carrom haram fury

Al-Wade leader Bigbag Bagwash

Bigbag Bagwash has declared carrom haram. 

In a speech to his followers at the Boom-Boom Boom-Boom Festival, the Bagwash urged the burning of boards and described rebounds as the works of Satan. Long an opponent of board games, bird-feeders, kites and accordians, the firebrand leader of Al-Wade In Da Water called for a new Caliphate, a jihad of the pulse and a fatwah upon SCL talisman Paul McCole.

The Blog reached out to The Elders. Their response was robust and unanimous..

John McManus: I live in the high flats and I'll see yis coming and I'll rearrange yer plugs.

SMC: Satirical zealot mix coming soon, ya prick.

Paul McCole: Nae need for this mad grief. Zup tae yous, but.

Bruce Morton:Pick yr battles carefully, son. Half of our mob have been on STV.

Paul Shep: They'll tremble in their sandals when they clock the agit-prop I'm working on.

Stu T: Choose a card, mate. Any card. Anytime. Any place. Any obs?

Fraser J: I'll spike this clown's apple juice so heavy he'll think his robes are a caravan.

James Young: Jog on, Bagwash - yer barred. By the way, see when you skipped out without paying for the burger that night and thought you were smart well guess what - we'd told ye it was halal but it wisnae.

 

Jim Muir: I'll have a dose of what Fraser suggested.

Lulu Brown: :Look out for my caricature of your prophet. Rendered via graphite pencil, gold leaf and gay wax. 200 offers so far on Facebook Marketplace. Deal wi' it.

Yati Mayor: The camo Fred Perry shirts have been flying oot the door.

First they came for the Carromers and I did not speak out because I was not a Carromer.

Then they came for Queens Park Camera Club and I did not speak out because I was not a photographer.

Then they came for the funky and I did not speak out because I am not funky.

Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me.

Fraser Induction to Hall of Elders

 

The Elders have spoken.

Fraser J is to be inducted as an Elder.

The ceremony will take place under the first serpent moon of spring 2024 at the hallowed location in Cathcart. In tradition, the new Elder will be presented with a cloak of stoat fur and will eat a votive candle. Rhythms will come from The Hoodoo Quintet and the Enactment Prayer will be read by Josie Long.

Born of humble masseurs, Fraser J became RBO in early 2023 and has since become a regular player, host and convivial member of the SCL. When not massaging the limbs of ballet dancers, Fraser has lent his skills to repairing the index fingers and wrists of southside carromers, healing the near-numb and offering gentle fizz to the hopeless.

 It was Fraser who introduced the concept of bringing a dog to the mezz, so cementing the link between beast and board. The famous F-Board meet at his home saw visiting players guzzle miscellaneous alcohol, Iceland Pizza and hallucinogens. While the gameplay went out the window that evening, word subsequently went round that here was a man who was prepared to push the carrom envelope and think outside the box while everybody was out of their box.

All hail the new Elder.