Big Dianne

 

Dianne used to drink in The Allison Arms. 

For years, she was a popular figure there. Until Christmas Eve 2022 when she got off with wee Tony in full sight of the regulars and Tony's missus. Tongues and everything. The ensuing malarkey saw her huckled by police and Dianne spent that night in a cell. There, she vowed to sort herself out.

Rebranding herself as Big Dianne, she became a cult: a beacon of confidence for those who fancied some other person's man. It was January 2023 when she got interested in Carrom, intrigued by members. Whispers around boards mentioned her. James Young barred her from Linen 1906, stating that she was a distraction. Paul McCole pleaded with his missus that the rumours were naught but rumours. But yet, Big Dianne cast a seductive shadow in the minds of some of the SCL.

Curvaceous and mental, it is no surprise that Big Dianne has caused players to lose focus. Identifying as a strong woman, she claims to have slept with half the SCL. Every player has denied such association but has experienced glares from their partners. Stu Thomson reports that Gillian now spits in his food. Jim cites that Dawn frowns from sunrise to sunset. Stephen lives in his back garden cabin like a rat.

Presently, Big Dianne does voluntary work around the southside.

Carrom Movie Actors

 

Salam alaykum

If the Southside Carrom League was a movie, which actors could play the parts of our core crew? I was talking to big Dianne the other night and she suggested the following.

As Jim Muir: John Goodman

As Stu Thomson: Kevin Spacey

As Paul Shep: Stephen Graham

As James Young: Kelly McDonald

As John McManus: Gary Lewis

As Bruce Morton: Bruce Dern

As Stephen McCole: Paul McCole

As Daniel L Coyle: James MacAvoy

As Paul McCole: Peter Dinklage

Could a monkey play carrom?

 

 

 

Salam alaykum

 

The Congo Monkey Institute has written in Journal that chimpanzees are able to grasp the rules of carrom and post decent scores. The CMI conducted a three year experiment (2020 - 2023) under lab conditions and observed that three test monkeys (Jill, Bongo and Mango) exhibited flair and made nice covers.
 

With opposable thumbs and a 99% shared DNA with humans, this is perhaps no surprise.

However, Team Leader Milly Oleson did note that the female chimps, Jill and Mango, exhibited ennui after 5 minutes of gameplay and started checking their phones while - in a control experiment next door- the male chimp, Bongo, up against a human in a full set, lost the game, lost the plot and ate the board. 

Of other primates studied in trials, the CMI suggests that Bonobo monkeys show no interest in carrom, sloths can't be actually bothered and that baboons can get tae fk.

Board Maintenance

 

Store your board flat. Under a bed is a good option. Flat-store is the best way to prevent warping.

Never lean your board against a warm radiator or a cold window. Such temperature extremes may damage the surface and even incur warp.

Ensure the surface is clean before a session. 

To regain lustre, dribble saliva onto the surface and then gently rub in a circular motion.

Rub your striker to enhance your readiness.

Use first and second fingers when investigating a pocket. 

Trim your fingernails before gameplay.

Bonus Content

Morty's Beard Maintenance Tutorial (devised during Covid lockdown)

Flagboy blessings

Flagboy Paul Shep

SCL's resident artist Paul Shep has been working on our new flag. Check the work in progress below.

Paul kindly suggests that the flags he makes are intended as prizes and blessings to tournament winners. I suggest that the forthcoming flag be awarded to the Summerboard 2023 winner. Our lad puts a lot of work in and often has to step outside his abode for fresh air because of the fumes from the heavy duty felt pens and inks inolved.

 

 

Refugees welcome

 

Salam alaykum  

The Southside Carrom League stands with those who have fled from backgammon, chess, bagatelle, crokinole, pool and other benighted arenas to seek a better game for their families. 

SCL boards represent sanctuary.

12 Syrians, 3 Palestinians and a big lad from Myanmar arrived at Victoria Road, Glasgow on Sunday evening, having made their way in a dinghy all the way across Prospecthill Road, through Cathcart and to Govanhill. The G-Hill community stood in solidarity and greeted the folk with shawarmas, whistles, flamboyant cakes and black-ribbed bodywarmers. The Pink Peacock Cafe was mobbed. 

Kajil, dinghy pilot and (in his former life ) sandals designer, spoke to the crowd. Despite not knowing English or which end of a megaphone is the end you are supposed to speak into, his passion resonated. The crowd bayed for justice. Then a guy stole the dinghy. 

Respect to the local farmers who joined the event with twelve sheep they had bussed in. "No justice - no fleece!" The British Home Secretary wants to dingy the dinghy folk and send them to Rwanda.

SCL says: if you have inclination, sit with us.

Paul McCole v Jim Muir

Paul McCole

 

Jim Muir

 

Salam alaykum 

Heavyweights. McCole and Muir. Players of deep skill and attitude.

But, still yet to face each other. The match that connoissuers have demanded for four years remains as mist on the horizon. Muir cites "family commitments". McCole states, "I have more children than you. Bring it."

Is Muir afraid? Doth his prayers to Ka Ma fall on empty ears? Is McCole foolish in his braggadocio?

The SCL awaits the clash of Titans. JasBet puts McCole as 2/1 favourite.

Recent form. Muir sluggish over slow powder. McCole strong in late-stage game. There is no doubt that when this match happens, tickets will be like gold dust. Rod Stewart is rooting for McCole. The people of Muir's hometown, Kilmarnock, don't care. Is such ambivalence fuel for Muir's style?

The stage is set. It only remains for McCole and Muir to go to the weigh-in and confirm the date.

Carrom Gossip

 

 

Salam alaykum

Yati Mayor (Carrom OG and owner of Mayors Sports and Menswear : "There's mair at Mayors"), is rumoured to be in talks with Carrom board distributors.

Linen 1906  ready to offer a Glamour Tournament prize of £100. The current £25 Food Voucher prize will remain.

Broken wrist is a lie. Bruce's average scores are pretty much unchanged since the so-called incident.  

SCL member set for loan move to Carrooka. The "fun spinning dexterity game" has caught the eye of want-away star James Young. Sources say that he has ordered a Carrooka board. Young's agent tweeted that his client would still be eligible for Carrom games. 

Vape user Stephen McCole nominated for SCL Hall of Fume.

The proposed Summerboard 2023 "mega tourney" has been criticised by  LGBTQ+ identifiers and He/She/Them/They/Hingwy/Umpteens as non-inclusive. 

Reflections on a broken wrist

 

Salam alaykum

First of all, it has been an absolute pain in the hole.

January 30th. 2023

Tired and emotional and delirious, I stumbled in a night-time street and managed to break my right wrist trying to break my fall. Ambulance, A&E, the whole deal. SCL Jim was with me. Carrom OG, that lad. Stuck around in the hospital waiting area with me till dawn.

It can be very dull in the small hours waiting area. Jim cites that (painkillered up) I wandered off to look at a vending machine's wares, studied it for 3 minutes, returned to my chair and began a conversaton with him, like this:

"Y remember that Sunday night you visited, we was playing a lot of Ethiopian jazz that night?"

"You'll need to narrow it down."

"Jim. D y know how much they are charging for a Twix outa that machine?"

"Do y want another co-codomol?"

What does this teach us? 

Don't walk backwards when emotional. Also, I identify as right-handed but having that injury encouraged me to explore myself. To seek out my inner left hand carrom. Sometimes it is right to be left and for the right to let left right itself. And just because you are pining for the game you take for granted, don't - as I did - assume you must have Carromavirus. Improvise, adapt and flow.

The game against Paul McCole at Linen

Still in a cast on my dominant wrist, I went to Linen for a meet. The power of the board compelled me. It had been weeks, but hints were that to climb to the mezzanine would lift not only my spirits but also the hearts and morale of the comrades. And so it was. Their wee faces were lovely.

My left-handed shots saw but narrow defeats v John and v James. Then I beat Paul McCole, my nemesis. Paul was maybe taking it easy with the invalid. Paul is a gentleman and a baller and more easily distracted than you'd think when you look at him. How did it feel to be carried shoulder high after that win, from Shawlands Cross to Govanhill?  Cheaper than a taxi and with much better patter. Great fun too to have the passing car drivers toot their horns.

Jim's left hand
An unexpected consequence of my accident is that it improved Jim's carrom game. Having kindly played left-handed v me a few times at my venue/board, he now is ambidextrous and half octopuss. 

Carrom is amazing. Consider: even the lame gant for gameplay, even the broken are bursting for a board. Carrom is the siren who calls to sailors.

Linen 1906

 

Salam alaykum

Linen 1906 in Shawlands, Glasgow, is where the Southside Carrom League sets up on Thursday evenings. On the mezzanine. 

See the mezzanine. See the stairway.

The SCL respects quality and style. Linen provides both and has exhibited faith in SCL aspirations and has assisted the growth of the sport. And does a 2 4 1 burger deal as well. Ka Ma is said to have broken bread with acolytes in Linen and pronounced it righteous. All hail the kitchen crew at Linen.

Carrom boards are open Thursdays at Linen 1906 from 6pm.

 

Calm down

Salam alaykum

The oft heard ideas to enhance the carrom experience are welcome, but often ludicrous.

Chief among these is the notion to put tiny LED lights on the inside of a board's frame which would flicker or flash when a piece gets dropped into a pocket. Or, too, that a striker could bear an LED light on it's roof. 

SCL member John McManus, who earns a buck as a spark, says that, whilst feasible, such innovations would of course cost money. He gave a free estimate and quoted £400 to fit frame lights and another £120 to customise a striker. Plus labour: £500. Plus parts. The prohibitive costs consign this idea to the dustbin of nonsense. On a personal note, there is no way I'd tart up my board with such seaside arcade tawdry.

Next. Using binoculars or a compass to assess the probability of a successful shot. This was tried at my board pre-lockdown and found to be pointless. Furthermore, such practice extended game time by, on average, 20 minutes.

Mushrooms. The jury is out. While they can enhance the aesthetic and philosophic experience of a game, there is little proof that your gameplay is improved.

Fitting pockets with bluetooth to trigger I Just Can't Get Enough from a paired device when a succesful shot is made. Get a grip. 

Donning formal couture like karate or judo practioners or snooker players. Jog on.

Carrom is beautiful, revered and solid. It is not broke - so let's not fix it. 

In the words of SCL member (and sage) Paul McCole, "Calm doon - we've aw had a wee drink."