2023 Carrom Review

 

As-salamu alaykum 

In a significant year for the SCL, the blog is pleased to announce prestige and memorable moments.

Player Of The Year
Paul McCole

 
Born of humble shoemakers, Paul McCole became an actor, a musician, has battled inner demons and has risen to become the most consistent player in the SCL. His skill - allied to his modesty - has brought him fans from Pollokshields to Larne. Away from the carrom boards, Paul delivers food to the hungry and is proud father and grandfather to countless weans.

New Player of The Year
Fraser Johnston

Top Meets 1
Summerboard Rutherglen. In June, at his home stadium, Stephen McCole not only went the extra mile and hours in setting up the arena (tarp and everything), he won on that day Summerboard Singles Champion and, with Tommy, Doubles Champion. The hospitality, convivialiaty and background tunes were gold.

Stephen and Tommy Doubles Trophy

Top Meets 2
On the Linen mezz that night when 20 folk showed up and all games were 2v2 because all three boards set up were mobbed and you had to wait 20 minutes or more for a place behind a frame.

Drama D'or
The long awaited showdown between Paul McCole and Jim Muir. Despite Muir's height and reach advantage, Paul toasted him whilst barely breaking sweat.

Most Pretty Mezz Carrom Board
Judges declared a tie between the Jasboard and the Fraserboard. 

Most Pretty Non-Mezz Carrom Board
Stephen's vintage board takes this accolade again, but honourable mention goes to Stu Thomson's Atelier-Radscha Sunbeam, pictured here.

The Sunbeam Stuboard

2023 Innovations
Carrooka
Killer Carrom
Silicone Skoosh Spray
Dogs allowed

Best Dressed Player
A landslide vote for Bruce Morton when he invoked contemporary Mod style at Summerboard.

Contribution to SCL Culture
Title goes to Paul Shep for his artwork and effort in producing beautiful SCL banners, flags and pennants. Honourable mentions to the blog and the bespoke mixes by Stephen  SMC mixes
Salute also to Jim for his chemistry.

Most Messy Meet
That night in Cathcart when Paul M, Jas and Bruce went to ------ flat and boarded with beer, wine, assorted cider, pizza from Iceland and, latterly, DMT.

Blessings to all the players and organisers for all the meets and for the great shots and the laughable ones and the flukes and the fouls. 

 

Tinker Tailor Carrom Spy

 

We have a mole. It seems the Circus is compromised.

The recent disruptions to the SCL Linen Thursday meets have been attributed to everything from Europa League football, Carrooka, family commitments and carrom fatigue. How convenient.

Chaps, the Circus is under the gaze of powers who would see us wither. To all but the dim there is evidence of foreign intervention in the SCL. Boards have seen recent attendees include a Czech; a Portuguese; at least two Indians, a English and a Canadian who posed as a representative of Comic Con.

In the summer, a bystander at Linen (citing curiousity) sat, boarded, identified himself as a musician of Welsh extract yet declined to give us a tune. It was then, you will recall, that Percy proposed a pogrom. Lionel poo-pood the idea and (with the backing of Control and the then Foreign Secetary) no action was taken. The reasons.remain opaque.

Our chap John McManus narrowly escaped with his life after being ambushed in Cairo by men wielding coconuts and a shuttlecock. And SCL sorcerer Stu Thomson only managed to fox the police of Prague with a self-induced coma and then turning himself into a lampshade.

Aleksander Mozorov of the Queens Park Chess Club says he can name the mole in return for safe passage and a flat in Cathcart.

SCL and The Board Brigade

 

The SCL League Management Committee remains at loggerheads with The Board Brigade about the display of pro-Palestine banners and flags at boards. The SCL has aleady been fined £24 after the recent meet when the Board Brigade set off vapes, rushed the mezzanine, unfurled an anti-monarchist flag and sang 99 Red Balloons.

LMC grandeees James Young and Bruce Morton (of the so-called "blazers") have called for restraint and dialogue.

Facing a ban from the mezz, The Board Brigade remains defiant and, via social media, has called for a day of action. Brigade Commander Paul McCole and his brother Stephen ("The Actor") have described the LMC as Zionist and evidenced that the menu at the Carrom stadium Linen 1906 does not include pork.

Firebrand carromer John McManus had his two strikers seized in a dawn raid by Police Scotland last Monday. His main striker, which is emblazoned with a caricature of Yasser Arafat, was deemed a hate-crime and his back-up cited as an accessory. This blog says Free the McManus Two.

When the Day of Action will happen remains unclear, but the Board Brigade promises a robust protest which, they say, will include a bespoke Tifo designed by Paul McCole's partner - the shadowy Lulu ("Lady MacBeth") Brown  - and a 24 hour mass hula-hoop demonstration at the junction outside the venue. The Board Brigade suggests that all the hula-hoopers bring bottled water and snacks in anticipation that they may get kettled.

I reached out to Kama: the God of carrom and He who built the Karmatron on the third day. After a day and night of prayer to Him, a pigeon arrived on my window ledge, bearing a piece of paper on it's beak. Gently, I took the paper from the beak and read the message within. Profound, pragmatic and citing the words of George Harrison, ihe note simply read All Things Must Pass.  

Oro se do bheatha bhaile Sinead

 

Big Dianne and the Plus Size Badminton

 

Salam alaykum

All hail Big Dianne and her bravuro second place in the Plus Size badminton tournament in Shawbridge this weekend. In a thrilling final against tournament favourite, Heavy Heather (current Cathcart state champion), our lass D gave every ounce of her perspiration in a display of old-school glow badminton style and determination and wheezing.

Congratulations to the third and fourth placed competitors Big Janice and Fiona the Flump.

Said Big D: "I was blootered when I got onto the court and starving by the time we'd finished. Much respect to Heather who took me and Janice and Fiona to an artisan chip shop after the competition. Then we ordered a taxi to take us all back up the road but there wasn't enough room in the vehicle so Fiona ended up walking."

Suffragettes and International Carrom Day

 

Sally Jones 2nd from right

As WW1 was raging across Europe, a band of women took to the streets of Great Britain to demand emancipation and a place at carrom boards. Sally Jones is credited as the leader of this movement. Born of humble milliners, Jones grew up in Bristol in the George V era and was the first female seaborne dentist to have been acknowledged by the Admiralty.

At age 26, Jones made port at Gujarat, India where she became fascinated by the traditional game of carrom. Her husband, Sir Neville of Stank, was a lawyer and a noted billiards player, oft mentioned at the counting houses and lanyards of London. The sport of carrom was new and novel in Great Britain, favoured by the gentry but, however, a male-dominated hobby and.played in awkward style which belied the finesse of Indians,

On her return to Britain in 1912, war had broken out, women still did not have the vote and nobody with a vagina was allowed to play carrom.This, despite that Queen Victoria herself had owned a board and a bespoke striker made of ivory from the tusk of her favourite Indian elephant. (Trunky).

It was not until the Equal Franchise Act of 1928 that women over 21 were able to vote and women finally achieved the same voting rights as men. This act increased the number of women eligible to vote to 15 million. Still, it took forty more years before females were granted equal access to carrom boards. 

Jane Fonda (still a divisive firgure) is noted as a critic of The Vietnam War and, too, as a proponent of gender-loose sets. Her hit single of 1970, "Call me Moira", became a rallying call to carrom women across the world.  

Friday 3rd November marks International Carrom Day, when players, enthusiasts and Beards come together for a festival of board-based fun at the Pierce Insitute in Govan. This year, guest speakers include Sir Keir Starmer, Andrei Bukachenko, Megan Thee Stallion, John McManus and Fatima Uygun. Music from The Young Fathers and Creeping Palsy. Spoken word from Jim Monaghan and Her With The Purple Hair.

And as tribute to Sally Jones, our sister and pioneer, on what would have been her 120th birthday, International Carrom Day this year features the Govanhill Chorus and the Battlefield Barber Shop in a rendition of Freedom Come All Ye.

 

 

Mezz hiatus

 

Salam alaykum

The entire SCL crew has lately been diagnosed with mezz hiatus, meaning a temporary halt to the Thursday games at Linen. In an echo of the Carromavirus of 2020, mezz hiatus has forced players to seek alternative distractions. When Scottish interest in the Europa League evaporates - which may be not too far away -  normal SCL Thursday games will resume. 

In this pause, the blog has reached out to some of the crew to ask how they are dealing with absent carrom Thursdays.

Paul McCole: It is a total shame, man. Aye, naw, definintely. I've just been chilling and learning the bassoon. It calms my snake.

John McManus: Ho Chi Min stated that patience and will are weapons. I'm working on a paper about the differences between a 13amp and a 5amp fuse. Thus far, it looks like it is 8amps.

Bruce Morton: I've been building a composite image where Paul McCole's face is on Adele's body. The inspiration for this came from something Paul muttered.

James Young: I've invented a parlour game where folk have to guess the next manager of the Rangers and, for bonus points, guess how long that person will have the job. The winner gets a polythene sash.

Stu Thomson: Been finessing a magic trick where Thursdays vanish and reappear as Mondays. I'm almost there but I keep getting the Thursdays showing up as half-four on a Sunday.

Stephen McCole: Just been meditating and then when I get out from under my self-inflicted coma, putting a mix together, j'know what I mean? Main thing is - keep the funk alive.

Fraser J: Homers, mainly massaging female ballet dancers.

Jim Muir: Working on a screenplay about a vampire who eats stand-up comics and vomits them into a canal in Manchester.

Paul Shep: Artwork, southside prostitutes and a bit of cottaging. Also, mushrooms.

Harry: Millinery

The Southside Carrom League is untrammeled. 

We may pause, but we never stop.

Scholars

Here, we examine the noted scholars of ancient times who influenced the sport we now know as carrom.

Aryabhata

Big Ary was an Indian mathematician circa 900AD who is credited with inventing geometry - without which rebounds would not be possible. His influence can be seen to this day even on the unholy tables of pool and snooker. Born of humble shoemakers, Ary spent his formative years formatting himself before taking the shape of a mountain goat and scaling the cliffs of mystery.

 

 

St Joseph of Nantes

Recorded in The Book of Saints as being the founder of what we now know of as rules, Joseph's doctrines included "he who breaks is on the whites", "2 v 2 games must rotate in a clockwise form" and "courtesy is next to Godliness." Guidelines which remain to this day.

Matthew

The son of humble people who made shoes, Matthew rose to become a student at Notre Dame in 1732 and by the age of 20 had published pamphlets about birchwood, beech, boric acid and esoteric powders from the east. It is reported that he made pilgrimage to India where he met Baba Ghandu and the Bombay Tribe and sat at a carrom board for the first time. On his return to France, he wrote the first documented chronicle of this mysterious game. "Le conseil d'administration de majesté" (the board of majesty) became the most widely read pamphlet of the Napoleonic era.

Lord Fortrose of Scotland

Still a divise figure, Fortrose examined the optimal sizes of boards and pronounced in 1851 that a 74cm x 74cm playing surface be adjudged as proper.  Denounced by bishops and by folk in Pakistan who (to this day) favour a gigantic board, Fortrose retreated to his lodge in Elgin where he spent his latter days working on dimensions. His influence on board size remains unchallenged by westerners, yet still, mocked by Pakistani players. Knowing his days left were few, Fortrose set out to India to follow the footsteps of Matthew and was killed by a monkey.

Cyberpunk Paul McCole

 

Is Paul McCole augmented?

Questions hover in the carrom community about the provenance of the skills of RBO* Paul McCole. 

Some mutter that he is from the Matrix. (His IMDB says he is from Castlemilk). Carrom theologians suggest that he lights votive candles in the hours before a board. Paul-watchers and devotees of cyberpunk moot that he is augmented. That is, he has had bionic implants to his eyes, his right index finger and his demeanour to provide advantages at the board. 

Paul is tight-lipped about these suggestions. However, the rumours continued when he refused a League Management Committee demand that his striker take a polygraph test and in that same week  - as if to flaunt his skills - went downstairs from the Linen mezzanine, ordered a pint and rather than climb back up the stairs simply floated vertically back up to the mezz. 

Adding to this, McCole's missus Lou was lately videod sliding into an abandoned phone box, dialling a number and was within seconds seen on CCTV appearing outside the Asda in Toryglen.

All I'm asking for is a level playing field. 

 

*RBO Registered Board Owner.

Joseph MacNamara

 

Joe Mac

Sunday 17th of September marks the 10th anniversary of the passing of Joseph MacNamara, father of Irish carrom and the man who single-handedly brought craic to the boards. 

Born in Belfast to humble shoemakers, Joe spent his formative years putting segs on brogues before leaving his native land for two years in Mumbai and then going back up the road. 

It was in Mumbai that Joe discovered carrom and became known among the players there as The Irishman. 

Oft seen at the side of a board there, observing and learning, occasionally weilding a bodhran, Joe became a fixture in the Mumbai carrom sub-culture. And proved himself a player. His finger skills on the penny-whistle lent him a deftness and confidence at the board which led some Indian players to give up the game and try golf.

On his return to Ireland in 1978, he was arrested by the RUC and charged with sedition, treason, Papism and murals. Joe spent a year in Long Kesh before being freed by the tireless work of Emma Thompson. On release, he devoted himself to carrom and segs. Throughout the 80's and 90's, Joe MacNamara travelled to the four corners of Eire, bringing the word of the board to the hopeless and demented. 

Irish travellers began building boards out of plywood, tin, jam and dogs. Soon, though, in a twisted turn, there would be a culture of carrom "call-out" videos online where mental people challenged other mentalists to a board whilst wearing balaclavas and being barely intelligible..

Still, in 2012, Joe was invited to the Vatican. For a set. 

He humped the Pope 25-4 after four boards.

And on this anniversary of his passing, tributes have poured in:

Bono "That man could rebound"

Dara O'Brian "I was there at that game against the Pope. Yer man was unflappable" 

Liam Neeson "Legend, Sorely missed."

Paul McCole "If it wisny for Joe, I'd probably never got intae carrom. Aye, naw, definitely."

Big Dianne - my wedding joy

 

Big Dianne and wee Tony have announced their wedding. 

Readers of this blog may recall that Dianne and Tony got off with each other in The Allison Arms in vivid sight of the regulars, the bar staff and Tony's wife Natalie. Following a quickie divorce, Natalie regrouped, got her hair done and went on secure a job at Optical Express.

Big Dianne spoke to the blog. "The mad days are behind me noo. Flashing my tits in the Rum Shack and Brodies and Kebabish Grill and all that. This wee guy is the real deal. I am made up."

Wee Tony, who made it to the semi-final in Strictly Come Carroming last year and is a popular figure on the southside when he shows up with the bodhran, paid tribute to his wife-to-be. "She has turned my life around. The age thing doesn't bother me. Nor the difference in height and BMI. She is intae her tunes. Plus, she is a belter."

The wedding will be held at St Ninian's church in Pollokshields, officiated by celebrant Paul McCole.  A private reception will take place in Heraghty and then, via a fleet of rickshaws, go up the road to Linen 1906 which has a late licence.

The blog reached out to The Elders.
.
Stephen McCole "I canny see her changin' her ways. J'know whit I mean?"

James Young (manager at Linen 1906) "We've hired a red rug to put outside the door."

Bruce Morton "I'm still getting texts from her."

Stu Thomson (conjurer) "I can do a thing that makes Tony's head look like a coconut."

John McManus : "Marriage is a bourgeois construction."

Jim Muir "I'm still getting texts from her."

Youtube has some background about Big Dianne in the form of two ballads.

Big Dianne part one

Big Dianne part two 

 

The nature of mistakes

 

Salam alaykum

The Southside Carrom League is accustomed to mistakes. A badly aligned atttempt; failing a thumb-shot reverse from 2cm distance; getting so high and chatty that you can't remember who it is to go next; forgetting what colour you are on and potting one of your opponent's pieces, wearing tweed after dark - the list goes on.

Were it not for mistakes, though, triumph would be hollow. Who among us has not had a serotonin kick when the opponent dumped his/her striker into a pocket? Who among us has not felt gloom when making such a mistake? Not one. So, we share the misery of mistakes and a smile at the dismay of our opponents. Mistakes bind us.

How do we recognise a mistake? Here, a handy guide to common Carrom screw-ups.

Displays of smug behaviour.

Techno or rock as background music.

Opponent was so into their next shot that they forgot that you had just fouled and should have had one of your pieces placed back on the board. ICF rules state that it is not incumbent of the fouler to notify the foulee.

Turning up in the first place.

Over-thinking.

Putting ketchup on Cajun Fries.

Commentating. 

Using more than two fingers to investigate a pocket.

Going for the Queen when you have no chance of a cover.

 

All hail mistakes. Without them our sport would be humdrum.

 

 

 

 

Palace of Carrom Excellence

 

 

Salam alaykum

OG Jim has proposed an idea for a Palace of Carrom Excellence. His plan involves illegality but could work. Essentially, it involves squatting and setting up a carrom dojo in a vacant industrial unit in Partick just up the road from where he resides. He has provided no detail of who would run this dojo nor how mosaics and maintenance would be financed.

His inspirations for the idea include the mumbais who built the Maharashtra Carrom Association; The Renaissance, Sir Christopher Wren and his vision for St Paul's Cathedral and the architects and engineers who created the temple atop Wu Dan mountain.

The Blog reached out to The Elders.

SMC "I'm not relocating to an abandoned shed in Partick"

Jas Y "This can jog the fk on"

Bruce "Nope"

Paul McCole "Southside Carrom League - the clue is in the name."

John McManus "It'd be like 1948 at the creation of the state of Israel."

Despite the doubts of The Elders, Jim will, of course, be given platform at the SCL Cathcart Conference in September. Whether his proposal will sway members, delegates and, crucially, the RBOs (Registered Board Owners) is uncertain.

SCL Cathcart Conference - motions tabled

 

Vote for additional Elder
The Elders group may be increased from five to six, to represent diversity. Paul Shep has thrown his hat into the ring.

 

 

 

 

Green Energy
SMC's green board has proven to be a success, exhibiting glide and rebound 8% up on the norm. For an outlay of approx £120 for that board, Conference is asked to vote positively for affordable social boarding.

Stop The Boats
Two canoes drifted up the River Cart and banked close to Linen 1906.  Folk disembarked and hurried to the venue, strikers wet and eyes mental. While this was not an issue on that evening for the SCL or the Linen staff, the question rises: how many canoes can land at High Shawlands before it is too many canoes?

Fringe events at Conference
Viva Cuba, Strikers carried in resin cases represent bourgeois individulism, Women For Carrom, Just Stop Carrooka.

Summerboard 2023 review

 

 

They sing songs around campfires. Of Summerboard 2023. 

In a twelve hours marathon of conviviality at The Cabin, the SCL proved itself once again the standard-bearer of Scottish carrom.  

The Wood
The featured boards at the event were SMC's vintage wood (running nice after its recent silicone spray maintenance) and his Green Board and Paul McCole's A-R. Right out the gate, the Elders were purring. James brought the Carrooka Board too.

The Tarp
SMC had sorted out a huge blue tarp to protect the boards and players from the forecasted rain and lightning. Much respect to OG SMC who is now, officially, the SCL Health and Safety Officer. The Tarp worked a treat. Thank you OG SMC SCL HSO. Thanks also to OG Jim Muir who was unable to attend, but had beseeched Kama for halfway decent weather for the crew: his prayers and praises were heeded.

The Gear
Good clothes sported by the attendees. Excellent hats. SMC glided around the event in a light cotton mustard top which brought admiring glances from Bruce who himself had brought a contemporary Mod look to the mood. Paul McCole went bold in a daring combination of dark blue Adidas top and brown cords. Harry styled a dandy shirt. And, gosh - when James unzipped his tracky top to reveal his T-shirt emblazoned "Big Dianne" - well.. RIP Coco Chanel and Vivienne Westwood - we've got this from here on in.

The Singles Champion
SMC took the trophy. He'll tell you himself. When James plotted the match-ups and we saw that SMC (quoted at 3/1) was paired against tourney favourite Paul McCole in the first round, the whole crew sat up like meercats. Board-side seats were like gold dust. Paul kinda smirked when that match-up was announced. Well, the rest is history. All hail SB23 Singles Champion Stephen MCole.

SMC also triumphed in the Doubles Tourney but, to be honest, I was mangled by that point and can't remember who his partner was but I think it was Tommy.

The Sounds
Impeccable from noon to tea-time to night. SMC, after many gold mixes, nudged James to get on the kit in the evening. Groove continued. Thanks, both lads.

The Bonus Points
John and Harry and Tommy showed up bringing additional friendly vibes and good board style. Flagboy Paul's flags and banners festooned the arena. Good grub was provided by host SMC. James organised very cool trophies. And when **** * ended up totally fkd (having even asked the DJs if they "do requests"), he got looked after and cared for by the fellas. Gently persuaded to a sofa indoors, our man fell sound asleep and was resurrected in the morning with coffee and a bacon roll.

SCL

's how we do.

 

Best night out

 

 Salam Alaykum

 22 June at Linen.

Top class meet. The regulars, the curious and the hopeless sat, played and chatted demented stuff about DMT trips and women and the price of car insurance these days. Excellent friendly vibes from all involved. Good tunes too.

James Young expertly guided the play schedules which saw many fall to humble gutters while Paul McCole and Bruce Morton battered their way through the rounds to a thrilling finale which went right to the wire until the wee man stroked two exquisite deciding shots which saw him take the June trophy, roam around the venue talking to people he didn't know and then stagger down the road with memories which can hardly be counted in numbers nor chronicles.

The much anticipated match-up between McCole and Jim Muir was akin to a flat-tyre rolling into your kitchen and flopping to a stop when it bumped against your cat. McCole won. Posted an eight and a seven. And took the trophy. What scheduler James Young had described as The Group of Death turned out be The Group of Dismal Pish. Jim, to his credit, was sanguine.

T***** the Ukrainian  - who served years in the military as a sniper - has shown that he is probably better with a rifle than a striker. Fraser J is a dark horse. Given his day job as a masseur for dancers in Scottish Ballet there is little doubt that the man has hand and finger skills. And he bought a handsome board at the turn of this year. Given all that and his recent style, Jasbet puts Fraser as Evens to take the next Linen trophy.

Bonus at the meet was when OG Yati Mayor showed up, sporting a dandy shirt and exhibiting decent board style and his famous conviviality.  Also, wee Gillian showed up  - showing off her man Stu's sunburned face that led some to mutter that he has been volunteering in the still ongoing clean-up at Chernobyl.

At the end of the night, beaten finalist Bruce cautiously accepted Jim's invite to ride on the back seat of his electric bike to go doon the road. It was, said Bruce later, "thrilling and terrifying."

All in all, a fkn great meet. Good hearted disputes about rules, loud shouts about drops or misses, the board ambience high. Much love to y'all.

Pakistani Streetfood on Victoria Road is happy to stick a SCL poster in the shop. Kamrin who runs the joint is a connoisseur (albeit of the Pakistan version of the game), a super cool gent and content to have our signal displayed.

Respect, as ever, to James Y and Paul M for keeping the flag flying.

Hail. Mail. The postie's here.

 

 
Salam Alaykum

In tents; sleeping bags; camper vans, tin foil and cling film, revellers have been arriving on the streets of Rutherglen for the SCL Summerboard 2023 festival, staking their front row seats for the boutique carrom event of the year.

Reveller Lou Brown has travelled from Pollokshields to Rutherglen. "I've been revelling for years but this is a whole other level. I'm a huge fan of Paul McCole and to see him play live is a dream come true."

Liam Sweeney rowed from Oban with his wife Orla and one of their children to be at the event. "Paul McCole is the goat. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see the short man get big. It'll be like seeing Gerry Adams in the flesh."

Fraser J and John McManus have pulled out of the event, citing overseas commitments and Palestine. Big Dianne was scheduled for a spoken word piece but contract talks for her appearance have stalled, pending investigation into a shag-on clause. 

Associate promoter Jacqueline Hennessy (director of popular Glasgow venues Left Bank, The Bungo and 13th Note) states that there is no mice problem at Summerboard and that all staff for the event will be paid appropriately and that talks with Unite are ongoing and positive. And says that there are definitely no mice and that hygiene will be thorough.

Merlin Stu's controversial application to be on the bill was accepted after he stood before the panel, ate a Rubik's Cube and vanished. Paul Shep is bringing some of his SCL artwork to the event: our man's banners and flags and colour gonna be flying!

Dependent on July 15th weather outlook, Morty may be sporting Mod gear (inc a legit Harrington jacket). Hopefully, the rest of the SCL will be properly attired. SMC reports that if weather is inclement, we can retreat indoors at the venue and set up undercover.

Which sounds about right.

Gantin'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul McCole's Atlantic rowing trip

Transatlantic rower Paul McCole

 

It started as a drunk conversation and became a dare. 

Three months later Paul McCole was in Nantucket where he bought a small boat, oars, waterproof gear, a hat and a radio. And set off to row his way to Glasgow. What happened is now legend and one of the most incredible of seafaring tales.

Like many carrom figures, Paul McCole was born of humble shoemakers. As a child, he would gaze at the stars and skoosh water into the sink. His brother Stephen has said, "Even when he was little he would talk to my goldfish and chat to traffic lights."

In his teens, McCole travelled to Fleetwood and became obsessed by the ocean.

Perhaps overwhelmed by the majesty of the tides he had witnessed on that Lancashire beach or, perhaps, intent on representing the swell and flow of the human condition which the sea had imprinted on him, he became an actor.

He then had a coupla burds and a coupla weans. And then came the call..

Stephen says, "He phoned me up. Said, I'm going to row from Nantucket to Glasgow."

On April 14th, 2017 -  Paul McCole gazed east from Nantucket, climbed into a twenty foot boat and began rowing across the Atlantic.

On sunrise after the first day's rowing, a jellyfish glued itself to the front of the boat and freaked Paul out. He punched it to death and scraped it's remains into a poly bag. To use as food. It tasted, he said later, like chicken but salty. "The eyeballs were kinda like the texture of a Turkish Delight."

After fourteen days on the ocean, more drama befell the lone rower when an Orca ate a bit of his boat. On it's third time circling the damaged craft, Paul's Castlemilk resolve kicked into gear and he clubbed it to death with an oar, dragged it aboard and fried it up with olive oil and garlic and feasted on the bastard over the next six days. Fins and beak and everything. He saved some of the fur to repair the boat.

Three months later, adrift, havering, lost and starving but for a diet of turtle blood and seagulls, his boat was spotted by the freight ship SS Machrie Road but was ignored. McCole states that "at that moment I gave up hope and resigned myself to cannibalism - that is, the only way I could stay alive was to eat myself." It was later that day, however, that a wandering albatross had a skyborne heart attack and fell into McCole's boat. He munched on the carcass for the next two weeks.

By January 2018, emaciated and babbling and singing the rebs, McCole had indeed given up hope. And then..

His boat became caught in the dangling sonar array of a passing British submarine: HMS Victorious, a nuclear class asset, which was on it's way back to Faslane. He was dragged 800 nautical miles before the submarine noticed, stopped, surfaced and allowed sailors to throw provisions to the ailing rowman: a loaf, cheese, a jar of marmalade, a mandolin and four cans before disengaging the sonar array and submerging once again beneath Neptune's halls.

It was three weeks later that the brave mariner washed up in Gourock, was found by startled citizens and carried up the road for a sausage supper and a cup of tea. 

Now a stalwart of the carrom scene, Paul McCole states "I hate boats and seafood. Can't even wash my face without flashbacks."

Recap

 

Salam Alaykum

As we approach summer Solstice, time to reflect on the doings and matters of the Southside Carrom League thus far in 2023.

The Mezzanine at Linen 1906 has been a remarkable success: regular meets on Thursdays; multiple boards set up (including the Tim Board); garnering new players and making friends; the introduction of Carrooka; the 2-4-1 burger deal (7-9pm), Fraser's dug and the now legend meet when that wee Indian burd Bobby skelped many of us. Much respect to Paul McCole and to James Young for setting and keeping the Mezz fire burning.

Respect also to Stu Thomson who often shows up at the Mezz after work to get a couple of games in before having to go up the road 'cos his missus has phoned him while he is at a board asking when he'll be up the road with a chinky.

Springtime saw Bruce play left-handed following a radial fracture of his dominant wrist. His average scores were unchanged. Those he beat whilst left-handed were gracious in defeat. And who can forget that meet when Fraser's dug drank some water, ate a chicken-bite, sat up at a board and posted a 4 point win against Stephen? Absolute scenes.

The much anticipated match between Jim Muir and Paul McCole was twice postponed: Muir cited "family commitments" and then "social anxiety." Carrom-watchers believe that Muir is a shitebag. The blog reached out to Paul via WhatsApp. His reply was stark, "I'm here every Thursday, big man.."

Two dancers showed up one night in March on the mezz. They dance with Scottish Ballet. Fraser gives massage to them and their colleagues. Does homers and everything. My father was a maintenance electrician at the Hoover factory in Cambuslang.

AI could destroy carrom. The Elders will recall that during Covid lockdown, we kept the spirit alive by playing a digital version of the sport. It may be that our enthusiasm is our downfall. Coders have now built carrom systems where wood is superfluous and strikers/pieces are replaced by avatars and holograms of Tupac and Abba. John McManus states that this is "similar to the Soviet pogroms when ideology became more important than basic humanity."

Despite AI, despite postponements, broken limbs, burds phoning for a chinky and a dog posting four against Stephen, the SCL endures and thrives. 

Summerboard 2023 is on the July horizon.

 

 

 

 

Carooka debut marred by protests

 

Salam Alaykum

The public debut and addition of Carooka on the Linen 1906 mezzanine of the SCL was marred by pickets, protestors and a bussed-in mob of Purists from the hardcore Sighthill Beard.

Bruce Morton handed out anti-carooka leaflets and was at the door of the venue exclaiming to people entering, "If you go up the stairs, you're a scab." 

James Young (who was pivotal in bringing Carooka to The Mezz  - for a whopping £165 fee) stood firm. "We're delighted to get this one over the line. Rooka is young and ambitious and brings us something different."

Rooka told reporters. "Obviously, the SCL is a massive league. My grandfather fought in Shawlands during the war so for me to be here now is a dream come true."

Rooka is unveiled

Bruce was eventually calmed down via negotiators and invited to have a Carooka. To see that the actual Carrom was under no threat. He sat, settled, ate haddock and chips and went on to burst James' hole in that game. Pronouncing himself content, the Elder went back down the Mezz stairs and persuaded the mob outside to stand easy.  

Gender rebound

 

Salam Alaykum

Recently, two SCL members identified as gender-rebounders. Stu Thomson and Paul McCole have stated that they wish to be known as cis-gender non-binary incel pansexual pronouns. Both of them/they/those/these/hingwy call for carrom reform  - citing unsafe words oft used at a board.

Thomson: "Last week on the mezz, I heard on observor say, after I missed a shot, "He messed that one up." "Being described as "he" made me unsettled and I went on to lose the game."

McCole: "I am a giantess in a Dalek body. Giantess rights are human rights."

The debate is valid. 

However, just the other night, Jim missed an easy pot at my board and I blurted, "Ah - ya dick." 

Jim immediately played the gender card: pronouncing that the use of the word dick was equivalent to hate crime. The game was abandoned for twelve minutes. All hail Big Dianne who stepped in to separate the players and adjudge that Jim's miss was, indeed, so laughable that it did warrant the phrase, "Ah - ya dick."

Jim settled and went on to win that board, posting a seven. Which just goes to show you.

Actors poised to invest in SCL

 

The Southside Carrom League could be on the verge of a massive boost. 

Famed actors Gary Lewis and Peter Mullen are poised to invest hundreds of pounds into the SCL. Neither of them are of Saudi prince wealth, but both are said to be minted.

Fellow actor and respected wee guy Davie McKay - who is a rep for the Equity trade onion - advised caution about the proposed new chairmen, citing the grief at Ibrox under the stewardship of Craig White.

The blog sides with Davie's apprehension.  It may be that Lewis and Mullen see the SCL as a movement deserving of support. But, could it be that both of them are simply looking for the opportunity of a Netflix series and a cashcow?

The blog reached out to SCL folk for their thoughts:

Stephen McCole:  Nae problem wi' a cashcow, j'know whit a mean? Good for them - good for us. Win-win, j'know whit a mean? I've working on a mix: "Carrom Cashcow"

Paul McCole: Aye, naw, definitely. They've probably had a wee drink but naw, aye, definitely.

Paul Shep: I could totally design hats for them

Bruce Morton: I'd sign the form except that - and I dunno if I've mentioned this lately - I've got a broken wrist.

John McManus: It is the same as Marx and Engels. They saw how there was a different path to progress. And yr going back to the 1840's. Before toasters and optimism and yoghurt and all that. By the way - and this is a fact -  The Clash were never the same after Topper Headon left.

 

 

Linen £25 food voucher fraud

James Young of Linen 1906 has increased crowd numbers to his venue in recent months, via Carrom games and the promise of a £25 food voucher.

Has anybody won this food voucher? 

Player after player has been showing up on the Linen mezzanine for months and exhibiting decent style on the boards but there are no reports of anyone getting the £25 food voucher.

Young (bar manager, board owner, DJ and alleged actor) has been pivotal in the growth of the sport. Of that, there is no doubt. But yet, mutters abound as to his motives. John Hartson on the TalkToYourself podcast described him as "the Sepp Blatter of carrom".

Paul McCole won the Linen Trophy in April. Bruce Morton competed with a broken wrist. Fraser boarded whilst wondering where his dog had went. Unlike the dog, the £25 food voucher remains Shawshank.

Big Dianne has posted on her Instagram that she can organise a stir-fry for any disaffected members.

Father of Purism dead at age 99

 

Dimitri Zabsov, the Father of Purism, died yesterday at age 99.

The Carrom world mourns the passing of a giant. An intellect. A soul unbroken. The man who hinted to us of what was and what was not. 

His legacy encourages optimism and doubt. Indeed, his book "Optimism and Doubt" remains as the Tao Te Ching of Carrom.

Born of humble shoemakers in Bucharest, Zabsov studied wood, segs and resin until, as a young man, he travelled in 1943 to join partisans in Finland in the war against Soviet hordes. 

It was there, in a bunker, that he was introduced to Carrom. The strategies he studied led him to single-handedly destroy four Russian tanks using only rebounds and a bag of tangerines.

After the war, he returned to Romania and worked as a clerk until 1947 when the country fell under the Soviet sphere of influence and implemented Communist rule. He fled to Czechoslovakia for but a year until the country fell under the Soviet sphere of influence and implemented Communist rule. As the Eastern Bloc consolidated, Zabsov moved further west with time spent in Bavaria, Paris, Plymouth and in 1959 settled in Galway in the town of Athenry.  

Lore has it that it was there, on a summer morning in a field where he "watched the small free birds fly" that he recalled the carrom boards in Finland, reflected on his journeys and their meaning and, with the support of new friends Big Joe Baker and Flann O'Brien, formed The Provisional Purists Association. 

As word spread through Ireland of carrom and the PPA, Zabsov was visited at his home by like souls including Andrei Bukachenko of the emergent Paris Purists and by Allen Ginsberg.

Bukachenko

Ginsberg

Through the next decades, Purism grew as a movement. "We care not what happened but rather the manner in which such outcome occured." Purist groups emerged as philosophical adjuncts to carrom crews across Europe. From Galway to Gdansk and beyond. The term Beards became shorthand for and gently dismissive of Purists, but Zabsov embraced this, stating, "Names and titles are but titles and names."

In 1972, Zabsov declined the Nobel Carrom Prize. In 1981 he was inducted into the Board Hall of Fame but did not attend. 

In his later years he learned the mandolin and went on to form The Ballyhoolish Beards and released two albums, "Line" and "Trippy In A Spin" (the latter featuring Craig Armstrong and Bjork).

His family asks for privacy at this time of mourning.

The SCL asks for a minute's silence before the next break.

Dimitri Zabsov. RIP.

The Elders and the legacy

 

Said by some to be prophets, by others as wandering oafs, The Elders remain as a touchstone for Glasgow Carromers. A senate of knowledge and a pool of wisdom, learned in the ways of powder and protocol, The Elders have long held sway over the game.

Stephen, Bruce, John and Yati Mayor ( "there's mair at mayor's") have been boarding since long before the Good Friday Agreement. Converts and apostles have joined the movement with will and belief. Paul McCole bought an A-R board after completing his trans-Atlantic solo rowing trip during 2017 - 2021. Jim has landed like a magpie at The Towers to claim treasure, wins and flukes. Jas nailed a handsome upgrade board during lockdown. Paul Shep obtained A-R from the Dark Web and Stu Thomson created his own board from the five of spades, the two of hearts and a Rubik's Cube.

All hail The Elders and let us all hail the year 2023 mezzzanine converts at Linen 1906 including Tommy, Fraser, Harry, big Stu D, Liam and other Linen staff, Fraser's dog and the wee Indian burd Bobby who schooled us in January. If such passion is the legacy of The Elders, let it be noted that our designs are benign. 

A new generation beckons.

Carrooka

 

carrooka

Salam Alaykum

SCL man James Young has ordered a carrooka board. 

Described as a blend of carrom and pool, carooka is a finger-flick game of family-friendly fun. James states that Linen 1906 will be the first public venue in Scotland to host carrooka.

The blog reached out to The Elders for their thoughts.

Stephen McCole "Interesting. J' know whit I mean. Always up for a new experience. Looks alright, but it's no' carrom, j' know whit I mean? I've done a mix."

Paul McCole "Aye man, naw.. Aye definitely, but aye, naw it is no' the same but aye naw definitely"

Stu Thomson "I know how it is done."

Jim Muir "If this catches on we'll all be trans by the start of September." 

Bruce Morton "The Disney Plus of carrom. Jog on."

John McManus "It is same as Joseph Goebells in the 1930's distracting German citizens from what was actually happening. Same happened at the Bay of Pigs when Cuban expats and the CIA tried to overturn the popular vote in Cuba. Basically the same thing. Did you know - and this is a fact - Ska bands have always had the best drummers." 

Paul Shep "I'm fine with a lazy Susan"

Fraser: "Embdy seen ma dug?"

  

First Contact

Are we alone in the Universe? 

Evidence suggests that few are sure.

Now, the James Young telescope has identified four distant exo-planets and a moon of Jupiter capable of sustaining carrom. Science World writes that to enable boards, planets must have oxygen; water; trees; crops, a lathe and powder.

Of course, to reach the locations would demand fusion energy and a protractor capable of being bent backwards and able to spike treble twenty on a dartboard. 

In search of Scottish opponents for the SCL, all of Google has now been investigated. All of Facebook has been scoured. Twitter is ignorant. It took me a year, but I have now read the internet twice and if there is carrom life out there somewhere else in Scotland it is keeping it's head down. 

Perhaps it is that they know of us. 

Know how we have mastered the art of fluke. 

Or perhaps we are alone in Scotland..

And then, on March 13th, The Gavin Mitchell Dish in Queen's Park reported a fast radio burst from Ganymede (a Jupiter moon) which, translated, read  "2 v 2, anytime. Us lot have got four arms each."

The GM Dish response will take 10 light years to land but consists of this: "Yer sister punts cooncil"

Just Stop Oil targets carrom

 

Salam Alaykum

Just Stop Oil states that carrom is a legitimate target for protests against fossil fuel.

Following disruption to The Grand National and the snooker, it was perhaps no surprise that the SCL meet at Linen 1906 on Thursday 20th April was delayed whilst police removed protesters from the mezzanine.

One person glued himself to a board, another glued himself to a door and a third glued himself to a fourth. Two passsing glue sniffers charged into the pub and added to the confusion. All hail the Linen staff who set off a fire alarm and, too, hail the peacemaker Paul McCole who exhorted, from the mezz, "Calm doon - we've all had a wee bit of glue!"

Order restored, protesters huckled, the meet progressed in convivial fashion, three boards placed, the year 2023 new players now settled and lauded as SCL crew and more brand new players showing up that evening to try the game. 

However, OGs Paul, James and Bruce conferred and suggested that the April 27th meet at Linen be iced. "The safety of players is paramount" said Paul. 

Bruce (who didn't lose a game that evening) was in accord. James - who had inhaled a lot of the glue - muttered some stuff about Ann Peebles' first album and promised to provide extra security at the venue, including drones and a doorman with a Mandalorian helmet.

So, the April 27th meet is likely to be postponed. We shall be back on the Linen mezz on Thursday May 4th. Check the Facebook Southside Carrom League page for fast updates.

Further, the Summerboard Event 2023 at The Cabin could be a target for these fruitloops. OG Stephen McCole, who is hosting the event, says that security will "be heavy." At time of writing, Stephen is acting in Anna Karenina at The Lyceum, Edinburgh.

 

Arrests: Free the Carrom Two

 

SCL Treasurer and Deputy Chief Executive arrested. 

Bruce Morton and Paul McCole were dragged from their homes as part of an ongoing investigation into SCL finances. McCole was slung into a police van while defiantly waving his recent Linen Trophy. Morton was heard asking protesters to stay calm.

Police Scotland seized a motorhome parked outside McCole's gaffe. The motorhome is valued at £20,000 and features a microwave, shower, first-aid station and decks.

SCL magician Stu Thomson has been cautioned under Section Two of the Scot Law Regulation, citing him as an accessory and conjurer after the fact. Thomson is said to have concealed McCole and Morton behind a magic waistcoat.

Paul Shep states that the SCL "must get it's house in order."

Outside Glasgow Sheriff Court, a band of supporters called for the release of the Carrom Two. 

At that protest, Jim Muir was tazed and James Young was charged with impersonating Callum McGregor.

Such heavy-handed police tactics will not stop Carrom. Rather, such initiatives fuel the movement and drive it underground. 

The SCL is now no longer just a board - we are a resistance.

Merch

Summer collection from the SCL

 

Classic white T

Available in red, gold, butter, green

 

 

Long sleeve heavy cotton

 

 

Canvas Moira tote bag

 

Band of Boarders

 

Made a 2 minute vid based on Band of Brothers and Carrom. File size exceeds the allowed on Blogger so here is the youtube link to it.

Band of Boarders

St Pouder's Day

 April 13th is St Pouder's Day.

A day of celebration for Carromers worldwide, the event marks the birth of the game's patron saint, whose influence across the four corners of the board marks a fundamental moment in our culture.

St Pouder is credited with preaching the Word of the Wood to the lame, the poor and the gameless and to driving weasels out of Ireland. Denounced by bishops and forced into exile, in 1598 he pilgrimed to The Himalayas where, in Wu Tang Temple, under the guidance of Ka Ma and Tripitaka, he would rebound one hundred times a day.

After three years of asceticism, he travelled on the cow of seven hooves to India. It was there, in Pune, that he met Guru Babu. This was the game-changer. Babu ran a lumber yard, smoked tons of cooncil and was connected with known Carrom Lords.

There and then the game, as we know it, began to flourish. And saw boards built in beech, birch, rosewood and even with oak frame. Artisans converged. Patrons contributed. Mavericks experimented with slate, copper and glass. It was a Fin de Ciecle carrom bloom.

Presently, St Pouder's Day is an institution. A day when Carromers raise a glass to yer man; gather round boards; do a bunch of hail-hailing and sing Into The Mystic. 

This year's event falls on the same date as a Linen 1906 Meet. 

Revellers can look forward to the Parade of Strikers; the Board Floats, the Roller Derby Queens and, of course, The Powder Ceremony.

Into The Mystic

Big Dianne

 

Dianne used to drink in The Allison Arms. 

For years, she was a popular figure there. Until Christmas Eve 2022 when she got off with wee Tony in full sight of the regulars and Tony's missus. Tongues and everything. The ensuing malarkey saw her huckled by police and Dianne spent that night in a cell. There, she vowed to sort herself out.

Rebranding herself as Big Dianne, she became a cult: a beacon of confidence for those who fancied some other person's man. It was January 2023 when she got interested in Carrom, intrigued by members. Whispers around boards mentioned her. James Young barred her from Linen 1906, stating that she was a distraction. Paul McCole pleaded with his missus that the rumours were naught but rumours. But yet, Big Dianne cast a seductive shadow in the minds of some of the SCL.

Curvaceous and mental, it is no surprise that Big Dianne has caused players to lose focus. Identifying as a strong woman, she claims to have slept with half the SCL. Every player has denied such association but has experienced glares from their partners. Stu Thomson reports that Gillian now spits in his food. Jim cites that Dawn frowns from sunrise to sunset. Stephen lives in his back garden cabin like a rat.

Presently, Big Dianne does voluntary work around the southside.